On My Life Page 13

  Ryan’s radio crackles and we all look up as the far door is unlocked from the other side, and Kev appears.

  The woman to my left practically strains in her seat. The energy in the room is electric. A mass of final tugs at the hems of tops. Fingers run through hair. Creases smoothed. As the first of the visitors start to enter the room, a snake of men, women, children clutching the hands of their fathers, their older siblings, their nans, women all around me start to wave.

  ‘Mummy!’ cries out one little boy in a bright-blue Frozen jumper.

  ‘Hello, darling!’ calls a woman toward the back, the hard lines of her face lifted into a look of pure joy.

  Beside me, Rhianna’s mum looks as proud as if she’s the mother of Mary in the nativity play. I follow her gaze to that of a large older woman, who is clutching the hand of a tiny girl in a pretty pink dress and shiny shoes. The girl shyly looks up and across at her mum. I can’t help but smile. Emily wouldn’t wear pink at all. Urgh, I’m not a girly girl, Jenna! My chest aches.

  Behind the woman at the back are several opaque windows through which I can see moving shapes. Private rooms. How do you get one of them? I lean toward Abi, who is bouncing excitedly in her seat and waving at a guy in a tight blue T-shirt and Adidas track pants who is walking quickly toward her, a huge grin on his face. Must be her boyfriend. ‘Who’s in those rooms?’

  Abi doesn’t let the smile fade from her face, but her words hiss out from behind her teeth like a ventriloquist dummy. ‘That’s where they put the kiddie fiddlers. Twisted fucks.’

  My hand clutches at my stomach. Before I can say anything more, I catch sight of Ness and Mum and I have to fight back tears.

  Now

  Mum’s face is set like it used to be before her NA meetings. A grim determination pushes her jaw forward, making her head seem more prominent on her sinewy frame. She’s tucked her hands into the sleeves of her jumper, and walks with purpose, as if daring anyone near to get in her way. It’s a fragile front. And I know I can’t tell them. Learning I’m pregnant in here would be a tipping point. She’s been clean for nineteen years, but we’ve all been holding our breath, aware addiction is the uninvited guest that never leaves.

  Next to her Ness looks pale, drawn. Her eyes anxiously comb the room till she meets my own stare. She’s normally so pulled together, all perfect brows, and a dazzling smile. But she’s still in her gym work uniform and her usually glossy hair is scraped back into a greasy ponytail. I’ve done this to her. I’ve ground those dark circles under her eyes. I’ve threatened Mum’s health.

  ‘Oh Jenna,’ Mum cries, and I’m only half up as she folds me into her. The sickly-sweet perfume she’s tried to use to mask the smell of cigarette smoke burrows into my sinuses. I want to collapse into her, curl up on her lap. Will she feel the heartbeat of my baby as we hold each other?

  ‘What happened to your face?’ Ness reaches for my cheek, her fingers cold against the greening bruises.

  I can’t say. ‘I fell. It’s not as bad as it looks.’ Mum’s eyes swim with worry. It’s too much.

  Ness sniffs. ‘All right,’ she says. ‘But if I find out that anyone in here did that to you . . .’ she points at my face.

  ‘I told you. It was an accident.’ I cut her off fast. Glance at Abi quickly, but she’s gazing rapt into the eyes of the guy visiting her, their fingers entwined across the table.

  ‘We’re gonna get you out of here, love.’ Mum’s hands shake as she reaches behind her for the unmoving chair.

  Kev is looking at Ness. She follows my gaze, and turns to glare at him. He looks away.

  Instinctively she runs her hand over her hair. Tugs at the sleeve of her hoodie.

  ‘They searched my bag on the way in.’ Ness is holding her handbag tight.

  ‘They did it to all of us, love,’ Mum soothes her.

  ‘They didn’t take your bloody yoghurt though, did they?’ Ness is prickly. She gets like this when she’s upset. And having your sister accused of murder is upsetting.

  ‘They said you can have it back after,’ Mum said. Adding, in an astounded voice ‘They wouldn’t let me bring in my pack of tissues.’

  Ness tugs at the chair. It doesn’t move. ‘And you didn’t get groped.’

  ‘What?’ I look at Kev. Can they do that?

  ‘It wasn’t personal, at you,’ Mum says. ‘Random checks, that’s what they said.’

  I glare at Kev: how dare he?

  Mum follows my look. ‘It was a lady officer.’ She pats my hand, reassuringly.

  ‘Scum,’ Ness says, loudly.

  I feel the word ripple through the tables around us. I need to get her to calm down. Ness’s temper is legendary. ‘Please, Ness, it won’t help.’

  Ryan is fast approaching, his eyes narrowed. Heat rises up my face.

  Clocking him, Ness’s demeanour changes. ‘I wouldn’t mind if he’d given me the pat down.’ She raises her eyebrows suggestively.

  Ryan slows. Appraises Ness’s tight, toned figure. ‘Nice of your two sisters to come visit you, Jenna,’ he says, in his affected silky voice. He winks at Ness as he passes.

  ‘Typical Ness!’ Mum laughs. Her face relaxing for the first time since they arrived. If only it wasn’t because of Ryan.

  ‘It’s not all bad in here then.’ Ness leans in conspiratorially, her thirsty eyes still on Ryan. ‘I wouldn’t mind doing hard labour with that one.’

  Mum hoots and playfully bats her arm.

  ‘He’s a sleazebag, trust me,’ I say.

  ‘A bad boy in uniform.’ Her eyes twinkle.

  Urgh. I give her a look. She really does want to stay away from that one.

  ‘Oh all right.’ She rolls her eyes. But her face has lost some of the tension it had when she arrived. She looks herself again.

  The woman at the table behind Mum and Ness is being visited by someone I presume is her mum. The older lady is wrapped in a faded tan mac the same colour as her skin. Four children cling and crawl over her. The nauseating smell of a ripe nappy wafts over. And smoke. Mum is obviously not the only one who had one last fag before she summoned up the courage to come in.

  ‘It took us ages to get here.’ Mum frowns as she looks around the room.

  Ness shoots her a look.

  ‘You didn’t drive?’ Great timing of Ness’s car to break down again.

  ‘Car’s been nicked.’ Ness rolls her eyes.

  How much bad luck can one family have? ‘When?’

  ‘I didn’t want to tell you.’ She picks at a crack in the table veneer with a painted nail.

  Mum looks guilty.

  They didn’t want to add to my burden. But maybe a healthy dose of mundane reality is what I need. ‘What did the police say?’

  Ness purses her lips. Mum starts fiddling with her hands. ‘I told her,’ she said, without looking up.

  Oh no. ‘Ness?’

  There’s a plastic slap and a yell as two kids careen into each other with brightly coloured toys in the corner. Ness turns to look, her face shifting into something akin to disgust. She tuts. Would she be like this with my baby? No, she’s stalling.

  ‘Ness,’ I say again.

  She turns her palms skyward. ‘I was a little behind with the insurance, that’s all . . .’

  ‘It’s illegal to drive without insurance!’ I hiss.

  ‘Well dur, why do you think I’m not blabbing my mouth off about it?’ She glares at Mum, who is smiling at the little girl from the table behind.

  This is all we need. Another member of the family getting in trouble. It’d only take the press to start sniffing round for dirt on my family. She’s basically handed it to them on a plate. ‘Why on earth isn’t it insured?’

  ‘We haven’t all got buckets of cash sloshing about,’ she snaps.

  I sigh. ‘I would have lent you the money.’ I would have paid for her if I’d known. Now I can’t do anything to help. My throat runs dry.

  ‘It’s fine, it’s just for a few months till I get a few things sor
ted . . .’ she trails off. ‘Except some fucker nicked it. Probably someone in here.’ She raises an eyebrow and mimes scoping out the room.

  I giggle despite myself. Catch hold of her hand. ‘Thank you for coming anyway.’

  Mum beams.

  ‘I love you so much I even used public transport,’ Ness says, the twinkle back in her eye.

  ‘I need to talk to you about that, actually.’ I tug at my tabard, the material stiff between my fingers.

  ‘The car?’ Ness’s face shifts. And she glances back at Ryan. Who keeps smiling over at us.

  ‘No. It’s a bit awkward. Can you transfer me some money?’

  Both Mum and Ness look shocked. For a long time it’s gone the other way. To Mum at least. Ness and I sending her top-ups for her benefit. Keeping her buoyant. Away from that desperate place that might pull her under again.

  ‘Of course, love,’ Mum says. I know she hasn’t got two pennies to rub together. ‘How much do you need?’

  ‘It’s all right, Mum, I’ve got it,’ Ness says. ‘I’m paid at the end of the month – I’ll transfer some in then.’

  The end of the month – it’s only the 11th today. Things must be tight if Ness wasn’t insuring her car. Neither of them will have enough to cover legal fees. But I need cash for in here. ‘I can’t access any of my bank accounts,’ I say. ‘I need a small transfer for things in here.’ More food for me and my baby. I’m starving and tired on the standard three meals. Perhaps I can even get some vitamins.

  ‘No problem,’ Ness says.

  ‘I can pay you back as soon as I’m out,’ I say. ‘And I need you to set up a magazine subscription for my cellmate.’

  Ness’s eyes narrow in suspicion, as her gaze flickers over my bruises.

  ‘She’s great,’ I add quickly. ‘Helped me out with a lot of stuff I needed.’

  ‘All right.’ Ness is still watching me like I might be hiding something. I am.

  ‘You’re my daughter, I want to help.’ Mum’s eyes are milky pools.

  I take her hand, warm and papery in mine. ‘You have. You came,’ I say, emotion in my voice.

  She tuts. ‘That’s not much,’ she says.

  ‘You were just moaning about the three buses we had to take,’ Ness says. She means it as a joke. I try to keep my smile fixed. When did they set off? Did all the other people here also struggle on public transport?

  Mum is looking intently at her hands.

  ‘What is it, Mum?’ I say.

  ‘Nothing,’ she says.

  Ness sighs. ‘She can’t afford to come up all the time, and I can’t get the time off work.’

  ‘Wow,’ I say. ‘Talk about breaking it gently to me. So – what? You’re not coming to see me again?’ I can’t believe this.

  ‘Course we are.’ Mum tuts at Ness.

  ‘There’s no point giving her false hope,’ Ness says.

  ‘I understand that you won’t come three times a week,’ I say. I guess it was unreasonable to expect them to come quite that frequently.

  Ness’s face falls. Oh no. Not even every week?

  ‘It’s fine,’ I manage.

  ‘We’re gonna come every month, love,’ Mum says, giving me a smile and squeezing my hand. ‘Every month.’

  Once a month. Four weeks on my own in here. I feel my bottom lip tremble. I can’t show them I’m upset. It’s okay. It’s three hours away, and without the car it’s hard. It costs money, I get that. ‘That’ll be great.’ I try to sound bright.

  ‘I’ll try and get up a bit more than that, if I can, okay?’ Ness says. ‘And you can always call us.’

  I think about the very public shared phones in the wing. I don’t know if I can do this. ‘Have the police spoken to you?’ They exchange a look. Fear crawls across my skin. Is this what this is about. ‘What is it? What have they said? Have they found something? Did they . . .’ I glance at the children at the next table. Lower my voice. ‘Whatever they said they found it’s not true. I didn’t put that stuff . . . I couldn’t . . .’ Bile tickles the base of my throat.

  ‘What have they found?’ Ness says.

  I stare at her. They don’t know. They haven’t been told. Maybe they’re not allowed to know. Breach of court or something.

  I have to talk to Ness alone. ‘Mum, could you get us some tea?’ My stomach rumbles again as I point out the counter.

  She pats my hand. ‘Course, love. Anything you want. You want a snack as well?’

  ‘Please.’ I nod my head keenly.

  She looks torn between wanting to stay and being pleased to be doing something practical. ‘What about you, love?’ she asks Ness.

  ‘Herbal tea if they’ve got it,’ she says. ‘None of that funny plastic milk.’

  I smile. Ness would have refused to eat the breakfast box I greedily devoured this morning. Mum nods, glancing back at us when she reaches the counter.

  ‘What’s going on?’ Ness leans toward me.

  ‘I need you to speak to Robert’s parents. I need you to ask them to come and see me. They need to know that I didn’t do this to Robert and Emily. God knows what the police have told them.’ And if David is somehow involved in this I need to see him. I need to look him in the eyes. I need to know if he’s lying.

  Ness nods. If I can get them to visit, I can ask them to lend me money for a lawyer. A better one. Mr Peterson seems nice, but I need more than that to get out of here. If David is innocent they’ll have to help. If he’s not I’ll know by his reaction. ‘Robert’s parents have connections, money,’ I say.

  ‘You have money,’ she says.

  ‘It’s mostly his. I’ve spent all mine on wedding things.’ Sorrow and guilt burn inside me. I splashed out on an extravagant vintage watch for Robert. All my savings gone in one go. I just wanted something to equal his contribution.

  ‘Only thirty minutes left,’ I hear Abi sigh next to me. We’re already halfway through the session. There’s no time for emotion.

  ‘I need better legal representation,’ I say.

  Ness looks doubtful. ‘The five-oh can’t really think you did this – it’s a mistake. Or like one of them tricks to smoke out the real killer, like you see on the telly?’ she says. She looks desperate for me to agree.

  I lean toward Ness. ‘I think someone else is involved.’

  Her eyes widen.

  ‘What?’ Ness’s face has moved from shock to confusion.

  I glance at the people either side of me. Rhianna is snuggled on her mum’s lap, her big eyes watching me with interest.

  ‘I think someone is framing me.’ It sounds absurd. She’s going to think I’ve lost the plot.

  I see the lady behind the counter pass Mum some takeaway cups of tea.

  Ness nods slowly, still absorbing this news. ‘Like in Making a Murderer on Netflix – you think it’s one of the pigs?’

  The words hit me like Gould’s elbow. Of course. I’d seen how the American police tampered with evidence to make it fit their theory. That guy was wrongfully sent to prison for eighteen years. My stomach falls away. Is that what’s happening here? ‘I don’t know.’

  ‘You remember Carly from our block?’ Ness says.

  Mum starts walking back toward us.

  ‘They fitted up her man for a newsagent that was done over.’

  Most people on the estate distrusted the police. A fair few had good reason to. You were often pre-judged for being an Orchard resident. I can’t imagine that DI Langton could or would do something like this. But what about Salinsky? He hates me. He would have had ample opportunity. He could have planted the pornography after that night, to make it seem like I had a motive. To make the crime fit me. But this isn’t America, it’s Gloucestershire. It’s the UK. The police aren’t fitting people up for murder, surely?

  Mum appears next to us, handing Ness the cups to distribute, while she pulls packets of food from her jeans pockets. ‘I got you one with chocolate in it, like you used to like when you were wee.’

  ‘Thanks.’ I
open it eagerly. I can’t believe I didn’t spot the signs sooner. The last couple of months I’ve been snacking like crazy. Supplementing my meals without even realising I was doing it. And now I’m back down to three a day. I can’t imagine there was any nutrition in my cardboard breakfast. I should’ve got Mum to get me some fruit.

  ‘They feeding you in here, love?’ Mum looks at me concerned. I realise I’ve eaten two thirds of the flapjack already.

  ‘Yes, sorry.’ I force myself to put the rest of the flapjack down. ‘Does anyone else want any?’

  Ness is peering at me like she used to when I said I’d already done my homework, but hadn’t.

  ‘Nah, you’re all right.’ She pushes the packet back toward me.

  The bell rings. ‘That can’t be it already?’ I look up with alarm.

  ‘Will all visitors please say their goodbyes and exit the hall. Residents, remain seated,’ Kev shouts.

  At the table to the left, Rhianna’s mum is hugging her daughter to her. The little girl is crying. ‘Shush, my baby, shush,’ she says. ‘It’s okay, Mummy will be home soon.’

  ‘Come on now, Rhianna, don’t make a fuss,’ the older woman says. She pulls the kid away with both hands as she tries to bundle forwards onto her mum, desperate not to let go.

  Abi is clutching her partner tightly, her face buried in his shoulder.

  I swallow the lump forming in my throat. Pull Mum into me.

  ‘I don’t want to leave you here.’ Her voice wavers.

  ‘It’s all right, Mum,’ I force myself to say.

  ‘It’s okay,’ Ness says, gently peeling her off. ‘With no WiFi and dodgy food it’s like a new age retreat, isn’t it?’

  Mum tries to laugh.

  Ness looks at me imploringly, but I’ve already plastered a grin on my face. ‘I’m going to market it when I get out.’

  ‘The Bang Up Diet,’ Ness says, and Mum properly laughs this time.

  Kev starts shouting again and the exit door is unlocked.

  ‘Let me have a squeeze.’ Ness leans over Mum to pull me into her. Ness is taller than us both, and so strong from her work at the gym that I instantly feel small and safe in her arms.

  I whisper into her ear. ‘Promise you’ll speak to Robert’s parents?’